Run Elsa Run!!

IMG_1691These last few days have been strange for me, I’m not exactly sure why but I’ve felt a touch emotionally “off”.  I’ve been super emotional the last few weeks and for the last week and a half I’ve had an incredibly hard time sleeping.  Today I slept in, way in!  I slept snuggling my pooch most the day waking up a few times to go for our runs.

My history tells me that about this time the cravings and urges to shut my brain down with a splash (or a pool rather) of vodka would be the norm.  It’s different today, I have no urges or cravings, no intentions, no want or need to jump off that cliff.  This is a positive change for me and while I’ve been here before the trick now is to maintain this positive change.  Despite how strange my emotions are right now I need to absolutely maintain myself in proper fashion.

So, what’s different this time?

What’s different?  A lot is different!  I’ve been taking a drug called Naltrexone and taking it religiously, Naltrexone works as an inhibitor blocking the receptors of the brain that are activated by opioids and such, basically a dopamine inhibitor that is used to reduce cravings of alcohol and other such things.  My quitting smoking is another change (which the Naltrexone seems to be helping as well).  I’ve been on this before but last time I could not seem to keep on it daily, this time another big change that of routine has helped me maintain my dosage without fail.

The most impacting (and important) change though has been Elsa!  She’s been my light and my reason lately.  Knowing that regardless of how I’m feeling or what is going on she needs to be fed has strengthened my routine, and knowing she needs to run has reinforced my health.  She picks up on my emotions and responds without me ever saying a word, often from the other room no less.  Watching her run and roll and play, her looking at me with the Border Collie gaze and those blue eyes it’s impossible not to melt.  She’s my snuggle bear, my roommate, my pooches and while we have some things to work on behavior wise she’s picking up quick.


I only wish I had made these changes 10 years ago.  Such is life, the world continues regardless of what is in my head.  I can only pick up and keep moving, accept my faults and problems and try to repair what I have broken when I am capable.  There are plenty of things I need to fix that I am not ready to tackle yet but so long as I stay as positive as possible, and take Elsa’s example to run forward I think I will be okay.

Let’s go another few miles tomorrow Elsa



Splayed out

So pup has figured it out this is all hers!!  No longer sleeping under the bed she’s become my snuggle buddy!!  With the most amazing blue eyes and The calmest demeanor she’s perfect!!

I volunteer at the shelter and recommend shelter pups and cats there is always a risk.  My Elsa had an abusive family constantly getting kicked and beat so she’s shy.  She will never go through that again never ever!

My neighbors love her and I love her she’s a good pup this morning I will spend some time on heel and stay and of course spoil my girl.  She’s coming out and a wonderful pooch and god those eyes she’s the most amazing eyes!!

A man needs a pooch!



So now I have purpose…

Elsa, I call her Elise as she responds well to the name, a border collie mix and god can she run!!! This poor pooches spent her entire life in shelters she’s a sweetheart but shy.

She thus far is most comfortable under my bed, I can now say I’ve napped under the bed I think she’s just used to the cages.  I’m hopeful it will change soon it’s only been half a day and she’s already showing improvement.  I can off leash her at the end of a run and she knows what door to go to.

It makes me think though, the last few months have been uncomfortable for me as I’ve been experiencing a lot of change.  And this pup is as well, even if it’s for the best I’m finding change itself a tough deal.

We live in routine and modification scares us often.  Today and next week I will accept the changes given and stand up to my challenges. After all I need to be a good example for my sweet Elsa.


Healthy Eating, Healthy Brain 

I find myself unusually calm lately, things don’t seem to bother me so much anymore which is a good thing.  I’m not exactly sure what all has changed but I do know that I have been eating much healthier the past two weeks.
A very dear friend brought me some venison the other month and I have been pulling it from the freezer as of late.  The meat is very lean and takes seasoning with my various curries incredibly well.  I have been cooking up the ground deer pork with various veggie mixes and divvying up the batches into Tupperware for lunches.

I start each morning with homemade hash browns and sometimes two eggs over medium.  Later in the morning I usually do a bowl of pasta with red sauce and I do the same after returning home from work.  I also always have a batch of rice to reheat as a quick snack.  I’ve also been doing a lot of beans, this morning I actually did homemade refried beans from dried pintos I soaked overnight.

And while my kitchen is getting a little bare by my standards this week I have plenty of these healthy items to eat.  I get paid Friday and have taken the time to work up a shopping list of healthy items and not a bunch of quick microwave garbage.

As I’ve been working a lot of hours I plan to treat myself this weekend with a junk food meal of pizza from fat boys pizza but aside from that I’m consciously choosing to continue eating healthy.

My body feels better, I’m starting to actually sleep better, and my thoughts don’t seem to run away as much.  I’ve become more thoughtful and direct with my interactions around others.  

Next steps?  Go back into tech, slay this smoking dragon, and give a pooch a forever home with belly rubs and hikes and luvs.


Random Thoughts on a Monday 

Yesterday and tomorrow are days off (technically tomorrow isn’t off as I’m going in for a test).  I’ve managed to do half my laundry, eat lots, and even get a nap in!!  My next shift starts in about 4 hours providing they don’t call to beg I go in early.

In early, hmmmm Apparently I am good at what I do as I’m on the short list of the first people called for extra time. Even with two days off this week my schedule will give me 60 hours and that’s not taking account for the morning “can you come in now??” calls I receive every day.

While the job I am working is crap and I don’t expect to be there soon I still take pride in it.

Being able to play a cornerstone role has given me………..

Matter of fact I think the experience was needed!!  Lately I’ve felt pretty useless being able to play a cornerstone role has given me some of my old drive back.  I’ve also begun to learn patience and understanding with others. I never thought that such a simple and crap job would have much result.

Thank god I have other irons in the fire as surviving on this job alone would surely be a stress filled life.  And yet people do it!!  For whatever reason, I’ve met plenty that are well qualified and smart but just can’t seem to land the job for whatever reason.

I suppose it’s a blessing I know my reason?!  Today I will do my shift and do the best I can and I will attempt to keep my thoughts of the past and future at bay, a simple sideline as to who I am presently.

Again take pride in all you do, the best legacy is that you always worked hard and took pride in that


Of overtime and Work Ethics 

Sleep, shower, cook, eat, work, cook, eat, sleep – rinse and repeat.  This pay period is going to go a long way in easing some of my financial stress at least.  We’re incredibly busy and they opened the gates for overtime for pretty much as many hours as I decide I want to work!

And so if there’s a shift I have taken it, it’s been 10-14 hour days since Tuesday and I’m scheduled through the weekend and Monday I will most likely grab shifts for the rest of the week this weekend.  Sure I’m a bit tired and I need to get some time for homework but I’m grabbing the hours while I can.

I’m taking Tuesday off to do laundry and general homework not to mention catch up on sleep and some self care.  All told however I really don’t mind these long hours, keeps me out of trouble. Yesterday was supposed to be a short day (8 hours) with me scheduled to start at 3 the morning felt like I had a day off!!

Well, until they called me at 9:30 to see if I could go in “as soon as possible”.  Today?? 11-7 but of course all day yesterday they kept asking and hoping I would go in closer to 8 this morning, I might but I’m not sure yet.  It’s 5:30 and I’m not able to get back to sleep so perhaps after I’ve read my beloved paper I’ll meander in.

With my life being so bumpy the last few years its been a while since I’ve “been great” at something and honestly I’m enjoying that feeling again.  Granted it is a crap job, minimum wage in a call center a temporary solution for immediate need but I still have pride in my work again.  I’ve been top closer every day this week and by a good margin at that getting me pretty much a golden ticket to work whenever and however I want.  

They simply leave me alone to rock my phone and I enjoy that, I feel sorry for the other poor saps who line the isles with coaches constantly walking up and down looking over shoulders giving corrections and cutting those that are having a bad day.  I think that it would drive me mad!  The conversations in the break room are all the same “they won’t give me hours, I’m not making any money!! Waaaah”.

Simple bit of advice guyzos, maybe if you worked the dialer on a consistent basis instead of reading and coloring waiting for the dialed to work you, you might just get more accomplished.  I don’t like to sit and wait for my next call, I drop the dialer into manual mode and slam calls 100% of the time I’m at that desk.  It’s a numbers game, if I can fire off 1500 calls in a shift I’m going to close some surveys, even with bad data full of disconnected numbers.

I digress, it seems work ethic is lost on the generations after mine (I’ve been feeling a tad old lately realizing generation X hasn’t been a thing for a long while now).  The good majority of my coworkers are young kids and those that are older are there because much like me hard on luck.  News flash, your going to continue to be hard on your luck as long as you prioritize getting stoned above getting ahead!  Just because pots legal here doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to smoke up before your shift at during break!  It slows you down and kills productivity, don’t space out and then bitch when you get cut!! Thicken your skin, suck it up, and do your job!

I suppose this has turned complete rant this morning, hah!  I honestly am feeling much better about myself today though.  Being able to take pride in my work again regardless of how menial that work may be.  And knowing it won’t always be this call center.

In the coming days I meet with an old friend to talk about going back to the tech industry.  This decision I did not take lightly as there is a risk I burn out and go off the rails again, I debated with myself for weeks over the possibilities and deliberately chose this particular friend to work for to protect myself and have no interest in a high level position, I’ve simply outgrown the complex rat race life.

And so, for today I will have the breakfast I am currently cooking, read my paper, call my friend, and I think I will go in at 11.

No matter what you do, take pride in it as it makes the work easier!


The Dangers of a Day Off

So I’ve been working some pretty long shifts for oh too many days straight now which honestly I’ve begun to enjoy.  Not only do I need the money but it sure beats sitting here staring at the wall.  Yesterday the team I am on closed out another campaign and the new one doesn’t start until tomorrow.  They do have another team that does commercial polls but there is required training and I am still waiting for the next session.  Honestly aside from the ability to get more hours I really have little interest.

I absolutely love to follow politics and while I tend to refuse to argue politics I enjoy the fact that due to this wonderful internet full of blogs and video streams I can self educate and compare all sides of a story from multiple sources.  The fact that I get paid (albeit crap wages) now to poll people without bias on political views is pretty cool. Today though I am off and I need to ensure that I stay out of trouble.

Yesterday evening started out with me in a great mood, I rocked it at work and came home to a cellular repeater that my cell phone company sent me free of charge due to network issues that I have been having.  I was incredibly excited to tear the box open and attempt to set this fancy new toy up.  After a couple hours of fighting (I’ve worked on cellular devices for several years in the past and am pretty well versed in these things) I simply gave up and called.  Cue attitude degradation…..

First call, we’ll re-register it on the network and call you back in a half hour to see results.  Call back, oh it’s still not working lets try this and that and then send you to a specialist.  After 20 minutes on hold waiting for the specialist I got through, funny but I used to rip people dealing with tech support calls but now having been on the other end I tend towards a nicer attitude.  The specialist was awesome though, he checked everything all the way down to issues with the panel antennas in the area.

And here it comes… Rolling “Modernization” in the area hence the phone switching protocols as they upgrade equipment expected to last until Sept 14th.  Okay so I get to expect a month of bad service and have no fix or recourse?  Nope, and there went my good mood.  I thanked the gentleman for at least finding something as I always hated it when problems would magically fix themselves or nobody could ever find an issue.  At least now I know what the issue is.  And then my laptop gets all funky with a bad update and begins rebooting itself every time I try to accomplish something AUUUGGGHHH.

SO having myself in a bad mood I begin to stew on things going on, which of course doesn’t help.  I found myself emotionally exhausted and actually went to bed early, aside from the nightmares of which I had several I indeed got more sleep than I am used to.  My normally up at 4:30 ass slept until 9:15 before I drug myself out of bed for coffee and my paper.  And this is where todays post starts to ramble and get a little serious.

I was aware of this yesterday but with everything going on I didn’t spend much time thinking about it.  I’d like to get serious here and think through some very recent events.  Yesterday there was a deadly terrorist attack in Barcelona in which a van was used to murder over a dozen (still tabulating breaking news so I have no absolute number to give).  Later in the day, a second attack was said to have been thwarted about 60 miles away with 5 suspects dead at the time of this posting.  Last weekend on my home soil of the US, we had our own nightmare with terrorism in Charlottesville.  Unfortunately Charlottesville was a domestic attack during a protest event.

Again I will state that I try not to argue politics, my only comments on the Charlottesville situation are direct and as follows:

  • While I disagree with the organizers of the event in many ways they have the right to peaceful protest
  • I also disagree with the protesters of the event (Anti-fa) and think that they have tended towards violence in the past and this should be examined
  • In my opinion had Anti-fa not shown up the initial event would have accomplished nothing more than a small blip on the radar, because a clash happened there is now a large amount of coverage thus increasing racial discord.
  • Despite our amazingly increased technology, education, and improved civilization as a whole I cannot help but wonder if we are running backwards in terms of race and gender simply because people feel the need to self marginalize to “make a point”

Anyone is free to disagree or agree with me, these are simply my thoughts on the localized issue.  I spent many times many hours this week polling people across the US on this very incident and expect next week to be very centered on the Barcelona situation, things of this nature create incredibly strong views and while interesting I find it quite sad that I am asking such questions.  I do believe that knowing opinion statistics and how people feel right or wrong is a good thing but sometimes the very nature of the questions get depressing.  The fact that people are so charged up that they cannot simply sit down and have a discussion just fries my ass, we don’t have to agree to be civil.

Back to the Barcelona situation, I am trying not to form any opinions as of yet since information is still emerging and of course some is fabricated or assumption based.  While journalism is important if your not aware by now that the media has a tendency to jump and report bad information due to either bias or the need for reader/viewership I probably cannot help you navigate unbiased thought.  My initial thoughts however are as follows:

  • This situation is incredibly tragic and brings attention yet again that we are not simply one people or global kumbaya group instead we are a planet with several different civilizations with different views
  • Simply because at the time of this writing ISIS has claimed responsibility for the attack, there is little tangible proof that this is the case (see the next point)
  • It is important that we all wait for tangible information to be complete before passing judgement, it has happened many times in the past where a terrorist group has taken responsibility for something that was not connected to that group simply for the shock value (remember terrorism is based on shock so to take advantage of this type of fabrication does work in the groups favor)
  • While the US sits in the throes of a race “Cold War” it’s important to not forget that the world itself is engaged in not one but several religious and principal based wars that are in all respects not “cold”
  • Throughout history civilization has always been at battle and while I would like to think we have evolved beyond the human nature of civil conquest I need to remind myself that evolution takes time and we simply aren’t there as humans yet

I may write on these situations again later though I really would prefer to be more positive and uplifting.  The raw reality is that seeing events such as this unfold and how much of the opinions expressed about these events sometimes lead to an even more explosive tone it becomes something that I think about and must write to keep my thoughts from swallowing me whole.  As for today I’m off to spend some time cleaning out the storage unit and hopefully accomplishing something positive rather than stewing in the negative events I just vomited into this blog.

Stay engaged but open to opposing views before forming opinions, use your brain cells not your fists.


Being a Pollster Can be Fun

If you were to ask me if I thought I would ever be a pollster I probably would have laughed my ass off.  Until now, I actually find some of the polls rabidly hilarious.  Sure the completion ratio is horrible as most people don’t like taking polls and occasionally I get cussed out and yelled at but all in all when someone does take a poll it can be incredibly fun.

People tend to get heated over politics and asking them opinions on Trump often gets real interesting results.  I’ve heard everything from “Love HIM” to “I think he’s a runaway shopping cart”.  Todays questions were nothing short of amazing to ask, I’m making it a point to look up the results of the particular poll I am currently working.  From Trump to Anti-fa, white nationalists to North Korea it’s bound to be an interesting read.

And while today was long (10 hours) I absolutely had a blast lol, my team smoked our quota and we rocked it.  And a few of my completions were incredibly intelligent, I even polled a double doctorate today hah.  Just some reflection on todays work, the job may be grueling at times but there’s no reason to not give it my best when I’m there.


And Finally Some Sleep!

As I sit here waiting impatiently for my two favorite morning things, the paper and my coffee I’m pondering.  It has been a crazy few days what with the stupidity in Charlotesville and just overall tension everywhere I wonder why it is that I still read the paper.  Oh wait, now I remember!!  Nothing compares with holding a paper reading the comics.

Perhaps I’m just in a good mood this morning, I have my coffee and my paper and I actually had a full nights sleep.  I have a 12 hour shift coming and am flat broke with a car load of laundry I need to figure out how to do but life overall really isn’t so bad.  I’ve got snoopy and a few articles that don’t mention trump or white supremacy to keep me occupied and I’ve had a great breakfast scramble because if there is anything a man learns that’s worth something it’s how to cook.

And then there’s the “Dear Amy” section of the paper, yeah used to be someone else lol but this week I suppose it’s Amy.  Amy gets a question about a teen daughter who has started dating and her response just makes me laugh.  “The only hitch is that Cary Grant is dead and George Clooney is too old”.  Just boffo!!  Nobody name drops Cary Grant anymore, yeah he’s on my list of if I could ever meet….

Just a morning of random babblings, I’ll leave the heavy lifting to the other bloggers I follow as they do write some pretty heavy stuffs.  For now it’s coffee and my comics… and maybe I’ll read this bit about Trump though honestly I’m bored with it.

Maybe I’ll start a kickstarter campaign to fix trumps hair….


The Call

I got a call from a friend

I don’t have many a handful of people that I consider this close I’ve known since childhood the people that know me and this is what makes it even more scary.  My friend started asking some pretty heavy questions, who I wanted things to go to and how I wanted to be handled after I passed away.

My friend was writing my last testament, he wanted me to have a last say and decided to call me on it.

At first I was a touch confused and then seeing the emails afterwards the truth set in, I’m pretty good at killing myself and the people that care for me are worried.  Worried so much so that they are trying to figure out what to do with my “stuff” after I pass.  Seeing this first hand in emails is an interesting thing trust me. Everyone involved in such is reading this as well I don’t hate you for it in fact I’m happy your there.  Just understand that facing mortality itself is tough facing it when brought up and pushed is slightly tougher.

I don’t want anyone to cry for me when I do pass, and I’m too much of a prick to pass soon so deal with me I’m going to be around for a bit.