What’s This New Thing?

Don’t be afraid of life

A friend and mentor of mine told me this once during a visit while I was at an inpatient rehab.  Such a simple piece of advice to think of at first thought.  Especially for someone who tends to display himself as fearless.

This mornings lesson came courtesy of poochie and mother nature we got to see snow for our first time.  This new soggy chilly ground covering did not stop us from potty!  We found it tasty though, something to snack on!  It’s everywhere!! We played, danced, ate, and rolled in this new thing.  Our once boring yard primarily used as a bathroom has become a new world all because a light dusting of this wet cold white stuff.

This morning I woke to a familiar deal, nightmares and terrors out of nowhere.  Pupster was right there with a nuzzle to remind me I was alright, that things were okay.  Her gentle nuzzle and pushing of her head against me with a soft low whine acted perfectly to remind me where I was and who I was with.  she reminded me that I should not fear life this morning.

Life is rough, topsy turvy, emotional, just a ball of crap for the most part and yet here we are being humans.  This is cold dad, this is fun!!  when do we lose our childhood?  Somewhere along the line we all forget the feelings of “new” and “interesting” we grow old and cold and stupid.  We get stuck in our stupid ways our habits and what we think being adults is.

Today I’m going to play with pooch, in the snow like an idiot because I can!  I will break out the snoopy sno cone maker my loving girl got me years ago and we will snack on snow cones and snow and just be.  Today I am not afraid of life, in fact today life should be afraid of me.

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Simplicity Defined

I came home to two of my most favorite things!!  A cup of tea and a pooch that loves me no matter what.

After chomping down some leftover pizza (if your ever in colo springs on the west side I highly recommend fat boys pizza its just great!) I found myself asleep in the dog bed with the dog.  If I were to recommend anything to anyone it’s going to sound stupid.  I’m the one white person attending an all black church, do this I’ve found home!  I hate rap now.

I spent my free time on stupid things, a haircut!!! clipped hair from an actual barber took an hour or such.  I love it, I look great and every hair on my head is perfect go see a barber!  A haircut and a cup of tea.  I’m happy with this, lately things seem to go south as soon as I open my eyes.  No visitors for good now dreams worthwhile nothing if I move somethings gotta hurt.  Pooch is the only reason I keep going now and she’s a good reason!!

So it’s breakfast and a run for me and my gurl, my reminder that even a rough life has it’s choices and reasons to smile!

Smile on friends, your loved

~J

 

No Resort?

So, I see these commercials for resort getaways.  All these wonderful vacations away from life and the only thing I can think is how nice it would be if I could actually find one.  Every one of my sanctuaries is in flux due to either personal differences or new people or whatever.  This is a bad BAD place for someone in my situation to be in.

I find myself so angry I am on the cusp of violently reacting, not so much physical but I do know I am good with words and can argue a point in a very attacking manner.  Hrmm good with words, I refuse to believe it most of the time as I really just speak my mind.  What do you do when you cannot control others?

Hrmm cannot control others, as if I’m some magical genie from a lamp or king in the 14th century.  The reality is we all live as human beings and I must respect that (why is it that being and weird do not obey the I before E law?).  I cannot hold it against a person for having his/her own views, I *Can* however hold them responsive for those views.  We all have our own glasses we wear so who am I to make a judgement call?

Get over your weak opinions for once and thicken your skin.  Just because someone disagrees with you or calls you a bad name does not make that person uniquely bad, it may just be the heat of battle.. Fight fair and fight with tools, if you lack the tools maybe look at the why.

no exit on this one

 

!J

 

Some Thoughts on Relationships

Sleep evades me tonight as my neighbors are arguing, a rarity for them as this is only the second time I’ve heard them argue since I’ve moved here.  They have always had a really good relationship and are a tight knit family so this is slightly unsettling for me when they do fight.  He has been working 70 hours a week for the past two weeks so I can understand the stressors there.

I also know he decided to cut out to a bar this evening and she was trying to convince him to let her get him an Uber.  I haven’t looked to see if his truck is outside honestly.  Both are former addicts and she is an alcoholic in a depression so I can understand the stressors.  And while the lack of sleep is a mild annoyance all I have today is a visit to the vet and a visit from my uncle so it’s not really a huge ordeal.

Is my silence just another self destructive trait?

The interesting part is my thoughts on the whole thing, did I not argue enough in my marriage?  Did I bottle things up to in a manner that was detrimental?  I’ve always had a propensity to be passive aggressive often to extremes.  Is my silence just another self destructive trait?  Is there a connection between this and my alcoholism?  Drinking to *numb* my feelings and shut the world out.  I took a torch to any semblance of success, set fire to all my bridges, self destructing like a true professional.  I’ve read before that arguments within reason are part of healthy relationships, and I failed to communicate in a big way over the years.

Just some thought’s

~J

The Cold is Here

Well, I’ve got to face it winter is coming!  The last two days have been quite chilly and I am now well aware that unlike the pooch I lack a warm fur coat!  I do have several warm jackets though so life is okay.  Oddly enough we did get a light dusting of snow several weeks ago followed by a 70* day.  Colorado has always been interesting for weather and tucked here on the west side along the mountain range definitely makes for unpredictable results.

Tomorrow is supposed to be partly cloudy which I can deal with, I’m excited to get the backpack for pooch and hopefully get a chance to test it out.  Uncle is stopping by too and it will be nice to see him.  I’m not quite sure I’m ready for a cold wet winter (the predictions for the year).  Usually we don’t get snow until Halloween but it’s popped out early.

I have a love / hate relationship with this time of year, I like the fall colors and the crisper air but I’m not so much a fan of the cold and the wind.  I hate daylight savings time, and October has traditionally been a rocky month for me in the past anyhow.  Pup has been a good stabilizing factor for me though, and I’m going generally okay.  I have a healthy appetite and my activity level is good, things could be better but they could also be far far worse.

So now, I suppose it’s time to put on my jacket and take Elsa out to potty before retiring to my warm bed.

Keep it toasty!

~J

Backpacking Pooches!

I can’t wait, according to the tracking our goodies arrive from Amazon tomorrow!  Pooch will soon have her own saddlebag backpack for our hikes!  Tomorrow’s weather is supposed to be nice (it’s a chilly 31* currently) and I’m chomping at the bit to get pupster out and on the trails with her diva pink backpack and a training clicker.

So now I get to figure out what to pack for pooch, which of course means I’ve got to go through my own pack as well.  I love to be prepared and I love to have everything organized and at the ready.  Yes, I’m the guy with a first aid kit in every room, a can of spam in the trunk, rehydration salts in the glove box.  Every so often while hiking I come across people in need of first aid.  I’ve once wrapped a gal’s knee after she fell down some stone stairs at the will rogers shrine.  For some reason every time I hike I come across someone hah.

So we wait impatiently for our backpack and other goodies and have big weekend plans to hit the trails!  She and I both need the exercise and some good walking meditation is in order.  I’ve been refreshing myself with some SMART recovery tools and just finished re-working a tool called the lifestyle balance pie, meant to identify areas of my life that need improvement.  This took me several days of self examination and a good amount of self acceptance and a little bit of time on the trails would do me good.

It’s been a long while since I’ve hit the trails in a serious fashion and I definitely need the exercise.  It’ll be nice to get the camera out and get some good photo’s, photos of my pooch and the woods and the turning leaves.  Nice thing about Colorado is our fall season, the crisp air and scenery, the colors, the breeze, I love it here.  Pup loves it here too 🙂  I’m glad.  So today we will hike, tomorrow we will backpack, and Sunday… well, maybe we’ll go for a drive!  Pupster does love her car rides.

Hike on!

~J

Insomniac Ramblings Pt. 1

Because sleep is just a luxury…

I’ve had quite the interesting day uhm…. well yesterday at this point!  For all purposes I should be fast asleep in a near coma given the planned and unplanned exercise I was so graciously blessed with from the pooch.  Two planned runs on the trail behind the property to continue practicing our recall command (dog should return to me immediately upon receiving the command) back and forth several miles each run.  I began to get very proud of Elsa and maybe a little too proud of myself as she obeyed the recall without fail every time.

Mommy sent a gift card for Elsa from Amazon so we settled in and spent some time picking out some training treats, a clicker and other goodies, and a wonderful saddlebag harness in hot pink (she’s such a diva!)!  Click click… alright it’s evening we better get out for a potty before dinner as I had an online meeting at 6:30, the time was around 5:40.  Admiring my confidence in our recall abilities I subconsciously made the decision not to leash up.

~Deer~  ~It took less than 2 minutes for Elsa…. to disappear~

Colorado is a beautiful place, the area where my apartment building sits is surrounded by open land and wildlife is not exactly a rarity by any means.  Deer, 4 does grazing in our yard….  I love my Border Collie mix for her activity level and her mental capabilities, oh yea and that herding quality that is so funny to watch when she tries to herd the neighbors or the apartment maintenance guy.  It took less than 2 minutes for Elsa and the herd that she was watching to disappear.  A half our or so of jogging around calling and looking I finally gave up and started back hoping some kind soul would read her tag and call my cell or I would get a call based on her chip.

As I neared the edge of the open space to cross the street to the building I was greeted by a black lab and his owner who said he would keep an eye out and as I was just about to leave here comes this happy go lucky brown and white lightning bolt popping up over the hill at break neck speed to my side proudly about a job well done.  Okay, I’ll admit it took me a few minutes to relax and not blame her as it was my fault for not being cognizant of the time and the traits of my wonderful Elsa.

I posted a reminder note to myself on the door as somewhat of a self training tool and we proceeded to have our dinner while I attempted to get into my meeting.  The last 10 hours or so have taught me quite a bit, from the herding incident on through interactions with other people in support groups and other bloggers that I follow.  Perhaps I’m still slightly off in my mental state but all in all I’m in an incredibly serene mood!  Ordinarily at this point after tossing and turning so much I would be grinding my teeth with anger at my insomnia.  Right now I’m incredibly content to reflect on the day and return to my snuggle bear.

A Thought on Change

Sometimes change is scary but still a necessity…

It’s early morning and I find myself awake suddenly, sleep has been fairly elusive for me for as long as I can remember so it’s not a new sensation.  I found myself journaling on paper for the first time in a long time and decided to move some thoughts here as I wind down to go back to my bed and my snuggle pooch.

Uncomfortable Territory

Last night I went to an online community which I used to spend a lot of time with for a meeting (yes recovery related).  It has been a while since I’ve been to one of these meetings and I am incredibly well versed in this particular program thus I was hoping to work through one of the tools that I have been somewhat stuck on the last few days.  I found myself in uncomfortable territory as I knew absolutely nobody in a place where I used to be a fixture, part of me was happy to see so many new people seeking help but another part of me was somewhat depressed to see so many new people needing help.

In any case, I brought up what I was hoping to work on to little effect (my tool was much more advanced and most meetings at this particular site are geared towards early tools).  I sat through a good majority of the meeting but removed myself when I felt things were going south for me, the meeting started to tilt towards other methods used by other programs.  I thought it best to leave the meeting and let them do what they need to do as it was non productive for myself and possibly dangerous to others for me to stay.  I entered the public chat instead to see what other strange changes have happened.

I must bring up that years ago this particular community suffered a problem with a technology provider going south and a large number of us “fixtures” moved on to another platform as a stop-gap measure until things got figured out.  The organization that maintained this online community hit us with a lot of push back over the change taking it as a threat and as such a large rift was formed.  I will say that our stop-gap has become fairly permanent and while small our community is incredibly tight knit.  We have genuine concern for each other and it’s not uncommon for one of us to reach out to another when we suspect they need help.

In the public chat system of the old community I saw very few familiar faces, one of which I was very happy to see as I had not spoken with this person in a very very long time.  We had some very good conversation and we also managed to help guide two newcomers to help within that community.  I didn’t dare bring up our little side group for fear of the push back (banning, etc.) from the old community, I played it fairly straight forward.  While I never did accomplish getting past my “stuck” point in the tool that I am working I felt more emotionally calm and sound having possibly helped others.

I suppose the point of all this is that I was a part of a relatively strong and large community that simply changed, I felt incredibly uncomfortable last night as the old familiar feel of the community was gone.  Perhaps had I gone back sooner when they rebuilt the chat and meeting systems and let myself stay there I might have felt more comfortable with the change as it would have been more gradual.  Fact is, during the flux time of that community I myself was in a horrible flux time.  Fact is, I’m still experiencing a flux time though nowhere near as horrible.

Change, and seeing the results of change can often be incredibly scary.  I take comfort in the thought that both communities are still around at present and that both communities have no quam reaching out to those needing help.  I take pride in my knowledge of the tools and while my lack of using the tools in the past is depressing the thought that I am using the tools actively on a consistent basis currently gives me hope.  Will I once again haunt the pages and meetings of this older community that I was once a fixture in?  I cannot say for sure, at worst I will return now and then I suppose even if it’s just to refresh myself with a more dynamic group as our members are fairly fixed.

 I can take responsibility and utilize my own agency~~

I cannot say I like the changes I see, and in the case of the meetings being geared to early tools I am not a fan of the fact that some changes I feel are necessary have not happened.  The fact is communities like these exist for just that purpose to serve a community not to serve just me.  I can take responsibility and utilize my own agency to reach out to someone directly to help me with my more advanced tools.  I have to remember my goals and my responsibilities, it’s no longer a time to hide regardless of how uncomfortable with change I am.

The world is not going to stop for me, nor should it.  And I should not stop for any discomfort whether incredible or otherwise.  I have been blessed with a very large support system, many times many people have genuine concern for my well being and to ignore this fact any longer is a disservice to those that are there for me, as well as myself.  With that thought I will close and wander back to my bed and my pooch.

Tomorrow we should face whatever changes we need to with strength and understanding.

~J

Run Elsa Run!!

IMG_1691These last few days have been strange for me, I’m not exactly sure why but I’ve felt a touch emotionally “off”.  I’ve been super emotional the last few weeks and for the last week and a half I’ve had an incredibly hard time sleeping.  Today I slept in, way in!  I slept snuggling my pooch most the day waking up a few times to go for our runs.

My history tells me that about this time the cravings and urges to shut my brain down with a splash (or a pool rather) of vodka would be the norm.  It’s different today, I have no urges or cravings, no intentions, no want or need to jump off that cliff.  This is a positive change for me and while I’ve been here before the trick now is to maintain this positive change.  Despite how strange my emotions are right now I need to absolutely maintain myself in proper fashion.

So, what’s different this time?

What’s different?  A lot is different!  I’ve been taking a drug called Naltrexone and taking it religiously, Naltrexone works as an inhibitor blocking the receptors of the brain that are activated by opioids and such, basically a dopamine inhibitor that is used to reduce cravings of alcohol and other such things.  My quitting smoking is another change (which the Naltrexone seems to be helping as well).  I’ve been on this before but last time I could not seem to keep on it daily, this time another big change that of routine has helped me maintain my dosage without fail.

The most impacting (and important) change though has been Elsa!  She’s been my light and my reason lately.  Knowing that regardless of how I’m feeling or what is going on she needs to be fed has strengthened my routine, and knowing she needs to run has reinforced my health.  She picks up on my emotions and responds without me ever saying a word, often from the other room no less.  Watching her run and roll and play, her looking at me with the Border Collie gaze and those blue eyes it’s impossible not to melt.  She’s my snuggle bear, my roommate, my pooches and while we have some things to work on behavior wise she’s picking up quick.

 

I only wish I had made these changes 10 years ago.  Such is life, the world continues regardless of what is in my head.  I can only pick up and keep moving, accept my faults and problems and try to repair what I have broken when I am capable.  There are plenty of things I need to fix that I am not ready to tackle yet but so long as I stay as positive as possible, and take Elsa’s example to run forward I think I will be okay.

Let’s go another few miles tomorrow Elsa

~J