These last few days have been strange for me, I’m not exactly sure why but I’ve felt a touch emotionally “off”. I’ve been super emotional the last few weeks and for the last week and a half I’ve had an incredibly hard time sleeping. Today I slept in, way in! I slept snuggling my pooch most the day waking up a few times to go for our runs.
My history tells me that about this time the cravings and urges to shut my brain down with a splash (or a pool rather) of vodka would be the norm. It’s different today, I have no urges or cravings, no intentions, no want or need to jump off that cliff. This is a positive change for me and while I’ve been here before the trick now is to maintain this positive change. Despite how strange my emotions are right now I need to absolutely maintain myself in proper fashion.
So, what’s different this time?
What’s different? A lot is different! I’ve been taking a drug called Naltrexone and taking it religiously, Naltrexone works as an inhibitor blocking the receptors of the brain that are activated by opioids and such, basically a dopamine inhibitor that is used to reduce cravings of alcohol and other such things. My quitting smoking is another change (which the Naltrexone seems to be helping as well). I’ve been on this before but last time I could not seem to keep on it daily, this time another big change that of routine has helped me maintain my dosage without fail.
The most impacting (and important) change though has been Elsa! She’s been my light and my reason lately. Knowing that regardless of how I’m feeling or what is going on she needs to be fed has strengthened my routine, and knowing she needs to run has reinforced my health. She picks up on my emotions and responds without me ever saying a word, often from the other room no less. Watching her run and roll and play, her looking at me with the Border Collie gaze and those blue eyes it’s impossible not to melt. She’s my snuggle bear, my roommate, my pooches and while we have some things to work on behavior wise she’s picking up quick.
I only wish I had made these changes 10 years ago. Such is life, the world continues regardless of what is in my head. I can only pick up and keep moving, accept my faults and problems and try to repair what I have broken when I am capable. There are plenty of things I need to fix that I am not ready to tackle yet but so long as I stay as positive as possible, and take Elsa’s example to run forward I think I will be okay.
Let’s go another few miles tomorrow Elsa