I think if I had a guard dog I would name him “Anxiety” and I would teach him the simple command “attack”. Just seems fitting for me this evening. Work is busy with my schedule taking me through the weekend and all next week which is nice and honestly right now I don’t really have any reason for anxiety but yet it’s still there below the surface. Not incredibly heavy and lighter than some of the moments I’ve had in the past few months.
It seems when I try to sleep like a normal person I just toss and turn, eventually only falling asleep by way of extreme exhaustion. I’ve tried exercise, walking, even push up’s, I do find spending some time in my inversion table allows me a cat nap here and there. At least I can say I’m eating well, and I’m doing good with my no smoking goal. I have my relaxing morning paper to read and the kitchen is spotless seeing as how I find myself cleaning when I cant sleep.
I basically feel so unproductive at times like this and it’s getting old. Eventually somethings got to give, writing on this blog as well as reading others does help and I find myself more calm overall so I think things are getting better. I just never was good at that whole patience thing.
Some people fear change, in fact I think everyone does to a degree at some point or another. We like our comfort we like things to just “be” even when things are not exactly ideal. Sometimes change is necessary to survival and growth, sometimes change causes great waves of negative consequences in either case change is in fact inevitable. Regardless of whether or not we ourselves invoke it or it comes from external influences change is a fact of life.
My life is in an incredible state of flux currently, with many things that absolutely must change regardless of how comfortable or uncomfortable I may be. The primary question bouncing around the gray matter that I prefer to call a brain is “are things changing fast enough?”. unfortunately it seems a daily occurrence that I mill about a number of thoughts in my head about regrets and frustrations with who I was and who I have become. In this moment of my life change is an absolute necessity.
A necessity not just for survival but so that I may atone for many of the wrongs I have done. I know it is probably best not to do too much in a hurry as I have always had this way of being overly alarmist and reactive. Often this reactive nature exacerbates whatever problematic situation I am in and this is not a good thing at all. While a lot of change is necessary for me I need to continually remind myself to step back and not force situations. So many things are out of my control and it becomes outright scary sometimes.
My attitude teeters between depressed and anxious and sometimes a mix of both almost constantly and very few moments of clarity exist. Fact is, I’m lonely lately and that makes for long days where I seem to just stew in my thoughts. Finding things to do to take my mind off of things is not difficult, the difficulty lies in motivating myself to actually do them. I live in my kitchen rarely seeing any other room of the apartment other than the bathroom and if I’m lucky enough to quiet my thoughts the bedroom for sleep now and then. I typically only sleep after full exhaustion sets in now and am finding the act of going to bed nothing more than an exercise in futility. Funny I waste more energy tossing and turning than I would by simply not even attempting to sleep and doing something productive.
Change will come, eventually and I need to welcome it this time as what I am doing now isn’t quite working so well. I know it doesn’t seem to be a very positive post but I need to think about this subject and work these thoughts out so that I no longer bury them.