Family Time for Introspection

Got home last night after spending two days with my Aunt, Uncle, Cousin, and Cousin’s friends.  A great time for me as this is part of the support system that I have been blessed with.  I’ve been emotionally and mentally “off” in the past several days and while I hadn’t quite admitted it.  Not to others or probably more importantly not to myself.

I’m currently in a mental world where I have a few decisions to make, decisions I thought would never come to me.  None of these decisions are inherently bad just…  nuanced.  I was able to spend some time with our rag tag group discussing some of such decisions.  I also reached out to a chosen few friends for some advice and worked a couple of my “tools” on the subjects with some good results.  I will continue to work my tools and explore these thoughts until I have reached a comfortable place.

The good in life typically does not come from having balance but rather from returning to balance.

A very wise friend in the above group stated to me last night during a discussion that the good in life typically does not come from having balance but rather from returning to balance.  After discussing I honestly agree with this statement, returning to balance is a welcomed good feeling and often comes with a self examination recounting things that may have gone.

My sleep is still nowhere near where I would like it but after taking action on these items in my life needing decision and change I feel much more serene and prepared to face things in front of me.  Another discussion with a different friend resulted in advice to view myself in each situation I might end up in after a decision in a yes situation for a few days, and then in a no situation for some time, take some notes and compare.

Often while discussing emotions it becomes human nature to respond with “me too” and while a bit of that did happen for the most part I received solid input.  I value these people and the input I receive from them.  If I were to sum things up in a short statement it would read “I opened up and gained introspection”.  I’m not unhappy with the situation at all today and need to make more efforts to ask.



Some Thoughts on Relationships

Sleep evades me tonight as my neighbors are arguing, a rarity for them as this is only the second time I’ve heard them argue since I’ve moved here.  They have always had a really good relationship and are a tight knit family so this is slightly unsettling for me when they do fight.  He has been working 70 hours a week for the past two weeks so I can understand the stressors there.

I also know he decided to cut out to a bar this evening and she was trying to convince him to let her get him an Uber.  I haven’t looked to see if his truck is outside honestly.  Both are former addicts and she is an alcoholic in a depression so I can understand the stressors.  And while the lack of sleep is a mild annoyance all I have today is a visit to the vet and a visit from my uncle so it’s not really a huge ordeal.

Is my silence just another self destructive trait?

The interesting part is my thoughts on the whole thing, did I not argue enough in my marriage?  Did I bottle things up to in a manner that was detrimental?  I’ve always had a propensity to be passive aggressive often to extremes.  Is my silence just another self destructive trait?  Is there a connection between this and my alcoholism?  Drinking to *numb* my feelings and shut the world out.  I took a torch to any semblance of success, set fire to all my bridges, self destructing like a true professional.  I’ve read before that arguments within reason are part of healthy relationships, and I failed to communicate in a big way over the years.

Just some thought’s


Run Elsa Run!!

IMG_1691These last few days have been strange for me, I’m not exactly sure why but I’ve felt a touch emotionally “off”.  I’ve been super emotional the last few weeks and for the last week and a half I’ve had an incredibly hard time sleeping.  Today I slept in, way in!  I slept snuggling my pooch most the day waking up a few times to go for our runs.

My history tells me that about this time the cravings and urges to shut my brain down with a splash (or a pool rather) of vodka would be the norm.  It’s different today, I have no urges or cravings, no intentions, no want or need to jump off that cliff.  This is a positive change for me and while I’ve been here before the trick now is to maintain this positive change.  Despite how strange my emotions are right now I need to absolutely maintain myself in proper fashion.

So, what’s different this time?

What’s different?  A lot is different!  I’ve been taking a drug called Naltrexone and taking it religiously, Naltrexone works as an inhibitor blocking the receptors of the brain that are activated by opioids and such, basically a dopamine inhibitor that is used to reduce cravings of alcohol and other such things.  My quitting smoking is another change (which the Naltrexone seems to be helping as well).  I’ve been on this before but last time I could not seem to keep on it daily, this time another big change that of routine has helped me maintain my dosage without fail.

The most impacting (and important) change though has been Elsa!  She’s been my light and my reason lately.  Knowing that regardless of how I’m feeling or what is going on she needs to be fed has strengthened my routine, and knowing she needs to run has reinforced my health.  She picks up on my emotions and responds without me ever saying a word, often from the other room no less.  Watching her run and roll and play, her looking at me with the Border Collie gaze and those blue eyes it’s impossible not to melt.  She’s my snuggle bear, my roommate, my pooches and while we have some things to work on behavior wise she’s picking up quick.


I only wish I had made these changes 10 years ago.  Such is life, the world continues regardless of what is in my head.  I can only pick up and keep moving, accept my faults and problems and try to repair what I have broken when I am capable.  There are plenty of things I need to fix that I am not ready to tackle yet but so long as I stay as positive as possible, and take Elsa’s example to run forward I think I will be okay.

Let’s go another few miles tomorrow Elsa


The Dangers of a Day Off

So I’ve been working some pretty long shifts for oh too many days straight now which honestly I’ve begun to enjoy.  Not only do I need the money but it sure beats sitting here staring at the wall.  Yesterday the team I am on closed out another campaign and the new one doesn’t start until tomorrow.  They do have another team that does commercial polls but there is required training and I am still waiting for the next session.  Honestly aside from the ability to get more hours I really have little interest.

I absolutely love to follow politics and while I tend to refuse to argue politics I enjoy the fact that due to this wonderful internet full of blogs and video streams I can self educate and compare all sides of a story from multiple sources.  The fact that I get paid (albeit crap wages) now to poll people without bias on political views is pretty cool. Today though I am off and I need to ensure that I stay out of trouble.

Yesterday evening started out with me in a great mood, I rocked it at work and came home to a cellular repeater that my cell phone company sent me free of charge due to network issues that I have been having.  I was incredibly excited to tear the box open and attempt to set this fancy new toy up.  After a couple hours of fighting (I’ve worked on cellular devices for several years in the past and am pretty well versed in these things) I simply gave up and called.  Cue attitude degradation…..

First call, we’ll re-register it on the network and call you back in a half hour to see results.  Call back, oh it’s still not working lets try this and that and then send you to a specialist.  After 20 minutes on hold waiting for the specialist I got through, funny but I used to rip people dealing with tech support calls but now having been on the other end I tend towards a nicer attitude.  The specialist was awesome though, he checked everything all the way down to issues with the panel antennas in the area.

And here it comes… Rolling “Modernization” in the area hence the phone switching protocols as they upgrade equipment expected to last until Sept 14th.  Okay so I get to expect a month of bad service and have no fix or recourse?  Nope, and there went my good mood.  I thanked the gentleman for at least finding something as I always hated it when problems would magically fix themselves or nobody could ever find an issue.  At least now I know what the issue is.  And then my laptop gets all funky with a bad update and begins rebooting itself every time I try to accomplish something AUUUGGGHHH.

SO having myself in a bad mood I begin to stew on things going on, which of course doesn’t help.  I found myself emotionally exhausted and actually went to bed early, aside from the nightmares of which I had several I indeed got more sleep than I am used to.  My normally up at 4:30 ass slept until 9:15 before I drug myself out of bed for coffee and my paper.  And this is where todays post starts to ramble and get a little serious.

I was aware of this yesterday but with everything going on I didn’t spend much time thinking about it.  I’d like to get serious here and think through some very recent events.  Yesterday there was a deadly terrorist attack in Barcelona in which a van was used to murder over a dozen (still tabulating breaking news so I have no absolute number to give).  Later in the day, a second attack was said to have been thwarted about 60 miles away with 5 suspects dead at the time of this posting.  Last weekend on my home soil of the US, we had our own nightmare with terrorism in Charlottesville.  Unfortunately Charlottesville was a domestic attack during a protest event.

Again I will state that I try not to argue politics, my only comments on the Charlottesville situation are direct and as follows:

  • While I disagree with the organizers of the event in many ways they have the right to peaceful protest
  • I also disagree with the protesters of the event (Anti-fa) and think that they have tended towards violence in the past and this should be examined
  • In my opinion had Anti-fa not shown up the initial event would have accomplished nothing more than a small blip on the radar, because a clash happened there is now a large amount of coverage thus increasing racial discord.
  • Despite our amazingly increased technology, education, and improved civilization as a whole I cannot help but wonder if we are running backwards in terms of race and gender simply because people feel the need to self marginalize to “make a point”

Anyone is free to disagree or agree with me, these are simply my thoughts on the localized issue.  I spent many times many hours this week polling people across the US on this very incident and expect next week to be very centered on the Barcelona situation, things of this nature create incredibly strong views and while interesting I find it quite sad that I am asking such questions.  I do believe that knowing opinion statistics and how people feel right or wrong is a good thing but sometimes the very nature of the questions get depressing.  The fact that people are so charged up that they cannot simply sit down and have a discussion just fries my ass, we don’t have to agree to be civil.

Back to the Barcelona situation, I am trying not to form any opinions as of yet since information is still emerging and of course some is fabricated or assumption based.  While journalism is important if your not aware by now that the media has a tendency to jump and report bad information due to either bias or the need for reader/viewership I probably cannot help you navigate unbiased thought.  My initial thoughts however are as follows:

  • This situation is incredibly tragic and brings attention yet again that we are not simply one people or global kumbaya group instead we are a planet with several different civilizations with different views
  • Simply because at the time of this writing ISIS has claimed responsibility for the attack, there is little tangible proof that this is the case (see the next point)
  • It is important that we all wait for tangible information to be complete before passing judgement, it has happened many times in the past where a terrorist group has taken responsibility for something that was not connected to that group simply for the shock value (remember terrorism is based on shock so to take advantage of this type of fabrication does work in the groups favor)
  • While the US sits in the throes of a race “Cold War” it’s important to not forget that the world itself is engaged in not one but several religious and principal based wars that are in all respects not “cold”
  • Throughout history civilization has always been at battle and while I would like to think we have evolved beyond the human nature of civil conquest I need to remind myself that evolution takes time and we simply aren’t there as humans yet

I may write on these situations again later though I really would prefer to be more positive and uplifting.  The raw reality is that seeing events such as this unfold and how much of the opinions expressed about these events sometimes lead to an even more explosive tone it becomes something that I think about and must write to keep my thoughts from swallowing me whole.  As for today I’m off to spend some time cleaning out the storage unit and hopefully accomplishing something positive rather than stewing in the negative events I just vomited into this blog.

Stay engaged but open to opposing views before forming opinions, use your brain cells not your fists.


Anxiety Attack!

I think if I had a guard dog I would name him “Anxiety” and I would teach him the simple command “attack”.  Just seems fitting for me this evening.  Work is busy with my schedule taking me through the weekend and all next week which is nice and honestly right now I don’t really have any reason for anxiety but yet it’s still there below the surface.  Not incredibly heavy and lighter than some of the moments I’ve had in the past few months.

It seems when I try to sleep like a normal person I just toss and turn, eventually only falling asleep by way of extreme exhaustion.  I’ve tried exercise, walking, even push up’s, I do find spending some time in my inversion table allows me a cat nap here and there.  At least I can say I’m eating well, and I’m doing good with my no smoking goal.  I have my relaxing morning paper to read and the kitchen is spotless seeing as how I find myself cleaning when I cant sleep.

I basically feel so unproductive at times like this and it’s getting old.  Eventually somethings got to give, writing on this blog as well as reading others does help and I find myself  more calm overall so I think things are getting better.  I just never was good at that whole patience thing.


Fast Enough

Some people fear change, in fact I think everyone does to a degree at some point or another.  We like our comfort we like things to just “be” even when things are not exactly ideal.  Sometimes change is necessary to survival and growth, sometimes change causes great waves of negative consequences in either case change is in fact inevitable.  Regardless of whether or not we ourselves invoke it or it comes from external influences change is a fact of life.

My life is in an incredible state of flux currently, with many things that absolutely must change regardless of how comfortable or uncomfortable I may be.  The primary question bouncing around the gray matter that I prefer to call a brain is “are things changing fast enough?”.  unfortunately it seems a daily occurrence that I mill about a number of thoughts in my head about regrets and frustrations with who I was and who I have become.  In this moment of my life change is an absolute necessity.

A necessity not just for survival but so that I may atone for many of the wrongs I have done.  I know it is probably best not to do too much in a hurry as I have always had this way of being overly alarmist and reactive.  Often this reactive nature exacerbates whatever problematic situation I am in and this is not a good thing at all.  While a lot of change is necessary for me I need to continually remind myself to step back and not force situations.  So many things are out of my control and it becomes outright scary sometimes.

My attitude teeters between depressed and anxious and sometimes a mix of both almost constantly and very few moments of clarity exist.  Fact is, I’m lonely lately and that makes for long days where I seem to just stew in my thoughts.  Finding things to do to take my mind off of things is not difficult, the difficulty lies in motivating myself to actually do them.  I live in my kitchen rarely seeing any other room of the apartment other than the bathroom and if I’m lucky enough to quiet my thoughts the bedroom for sleep now and then.  I typically only sleep after full exhaustion sets in now and am finding the act of going to bed nothing more than an exercise in futility.  Funny I waste more energy tossing and turning than I would by simply not even attempting to sleep and doing something productive.

Change will come, eventually and I need to welcome it this time as what I am doing now isn’t quite working so well.  I know it doesn’t seem to be a very positive post but I need to think about this subject and work these thoughts out so that I no longer bury them.