No… don’t your home now!

So I’ve one more run to take from my grandparents place my childhood home away from home.  Where I ran so many times as I knew pops and mema were always there! 

I’m scared yes, which is a strange feeling.  They mean a lot to me and always will.  This is my home now and it’s actually quite nice!! I have a view of the rockies and am 5 minutes away from anything.

The missing link is connection I guess?  Being a native I’ve always had the idea that “the mountains are to the west am here I am” hah!

I would be a liar if I said I wasn’t avoiding this last load, it will happen today probably after my late lunch but well…

Life is life a last minute call for a job interview!!! Yessss! There are a number of things I can focus on but this is my home now and tomorrow is tomorrow.  Off to prep!

I’m home now as quiet and lonely as it seems it’s my space.  Little ant visitors and all and the construction noise outside.  The view of the Rockies 5 minutes away, and the deer I have to chase to get to my car.

Home is where you are don’t believe the bullshit.  Family is who you are!  And I’m great so long as I decide to be!

Be comfortable, as much as you can..

~Joe

Message From A Concerned Friend

Just a blog I follow that hits home more often than not. I know I try to do only positive posts but to hell with it I relate to this blog and read it daily this one at this time just “hit” so visit her blog it’s good I promise and she uses the best images too 😉

Sara in LaLaLand

Stress looks good on you 

Have you lost weight?

I was going to contact you

But I didn’t 

I waited to hear through the grapevine if you went through with it

I wouldn’t have stopped you

Where would I get the gossip from?

Anyway

Glad you’re okay

I’m here if you want to talk

But I’m just saying that

Let’s be honest

I don’t really care 

I’ll pretend to be there for you when it’s too late

Feature image.

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Why not Try Something New!

Dust yourself off and make a go of it!

♥♥♥♥Love what you do and the sacrifice can be worth it♥♥♥♥

Authors note: I was originally going to sit down and type out a recipe for a friend tonight as I have already published an article today.  I found myself incredibly excited and thus decided to maybe type a future article.  This came instead, and given the timing is now being posted.  I hope you enjoy and as always comments and criticism are welcome.  ~J

To say my life is in a period of great transition right now is an understatement; looking deeply at career, home, habits, appearance, thoughts, all aspects that make up the landscape of what “I am” is in flux. As I write this I am impatiently awaiting bedtime as I have a job interview tomorrow for a position which I could easily be labeled as “overqualified” with pay that is well under what I once made in the past. I WANT this job! During my initial phone interview, the president of this small company asked me directly why I was interested and asked about the pay absolutely confused as to why I was so highly energetic on the call about taking what would typically be considered an entry level labor intensive position.

perhaps the presence (or lack) of joy in what I do is a key

I laughed! I did not even have to think for a second before presenting my answer “Well sir, I want to once again wake up in the morning and want to go to work”. Rewind about 15-20 years and I was up rearing to go every morning, I spent most of my time at work because I absolutely enjoyed what I did. I was the low man on the totem pole wage wise as I lacked the fancy education and certifications that were hot at the time but most importantly I was a doer. My goal at this point in my life is to recapture that amazing feeling one gets of satisfaction with life. Over the last several months I have had a lot of career disasters admittedly, most have been self-inflicted. In a way, I have become my worst enemy as it relates to moving forward, perhaps the presence (or lack) of joy in what I do is a key to this conundrum?

When an opportunity appeared to apply for this position at a company in an area that I have enjoyed interest in since childhood, I was all over it. When the response came asking for more information and the subsequent phone call which resulted in tomorrow’s interview something miraculously happened in my mind. I became excited, happy, incredibly positive, and super charged! I couldn’t sleep I was so excited (though I hope I get good sleep tonight I need to be prepared!) I was vibrant with life despite the many things going incredibly wrong right now.

The point here that I am leading into (apologies for the long lead in, I’m still excited about this job) is that of deciding in the wake of a downfall. The idea that I had failed so many times at forward progress over the last few months but still had the brass ones to dust myself off and keep looking for the next step. The idea that in looking for that next step I found an opportunity to not only pick myself up, but the incredible opportunity to again feel energized and content with what I do daily to sustain life. I am interviewing tomorrow for not a job but enjoyable tasks that happen to pay!

I subconsciously turned the negative….. into the positive of enjoying what I do….

Some may say I am “punching down” and downgrading based on my qualifications and skills, I disagree! I feel that I am challenging myself and attempting to “punch up” by learning a new skill that I have so been lacking; I am pursuing an opportunity to learn happiness and enjoyment. I cannot explain in words the excitement that has come over me in waves over the last two days since I was offered the interview, the mere ability to work in the area that I will be in is such an amazing thought to me that wage suddenly turns into a matter of “if I have to, I’ll take a second job just to keep this one”. Perhaps my plan is working, I subconsciously turned the negative of a lower wage and laborious work into the positive of enjoying what I do and who I do it for.

My goal when starting this blog was to attempt to train myself in positive thinking by having to write with a positive connotation often if not daily. I cannot claim mission accomplished however, I can claim progress and that my dear readers, has been incredibly exciting! So, I urge those of you that may be in a similar position, if you have options (and most of us do given a little effort) please be sure to rate happiness in your decisions as well as financial security and whatever other factors you have. Dusting yourself off and rebuilding takes an extreme effort, why not enjoy the results.

Love what you do and the sacrifice can be worth it,

~Joe

Self Blame vs. Responsibility

Don’t Blame Yourself but Take Responsibility

All of us have experienced situations where we feel we were wrong, in some cases we absolutely were this is not just something that happens to addicts / alcoholics. The fact is that humans are humans and we are not perfect even though some of us might think we are at times. As a second fact of note sometimes when we are wrong damage occurs, whether it be physical, emotional, financial, whatever. Most of us find ourselves looking back at times when we were wrong and caused “damage”; often we look back and merely think we have caused damage when in fact we caused no damage at all and still in some cases we have caused irreparable damage.

What do we do with that? All the self-blame, the guilt, sometimes shame, incredible frustrations with ourselves, and yes in many cases the excuses. I have over a long period in my alcoholism built up a very large reservoir of damage caused; I have apologized so many times it no longer has any meaning, dwelled in guilt enough to have paralyzed myself over and over. Often. I would bury myself so deep in guilt and shame that the depression would set in and to kill it I would begin the same self-destructive cycle all over again causing yet more external damage to feel more guilt and shame upon returning to life.

I have said it more times than Vizzini from The Princess Bride says the word “Inconceivable”

So, what do we do about cycles like this? What do we do for damage control, to keep from suspended animation or worse, running away and leaving more destruction in our wake? To pretend it never happened is ignorant and quite possibly narcissistic, regardless it’s wrong. Going back to all the times I’ve said I was sorry, did I really mean it? In every case where I feel guilt or shame over my actions I can in fact say: yes, I meant it. I am perfectly capable of saying I am sorry but beyond that what is my course of action? Remember, the sorry no longer means anything as I have said it more times than Vizzini from The Princess Bride says the word “Inconceivable”.
Responsibility is a versatile word, it can be taking responsibility for something that one must do (in most cases this is how we view it) or it can mean taking responsibility for previous actions, holding one’s self accountable for the results. This does not mean killing yourself to make amends or pushing to repay someone who doesn’t want to have any dealings with you at all. What this means is simply acknowledging your wrong, apologizing whether it’s accepted or not, and moving on with the notion that you will be more mindful of not making the same mistake again.

we can always know that we have tried and that we have learned from our history

Sometimes, we need to realize that positivity is not always about “feeling good”, it’s about the effects of our actions and our words, our beliefs, and our convictions, and yes sometimes our faults and our struggles on ourselves going forward as well as on others. While there are some people who may never forgive us, or accept that we are taking responsibility and action; we can always know that we have tried and that we have learned from our history. We can approach each new situation with a better understanding of ourselves and what pitfalls we may fall for, and an open mind to the fact that maybe we will be wrong again but when that happens….
We will take responsibility and continue forward!
Go clockwise,

~Joe

Positivity in a negative time

The miracles of positive thinking combined with hard work

 

The last few months for me have been a time of serious and intense self-examination, a lot of reflection on the past and present, and probably not enough focus on the future. The last few weeks this all changed as I began to realize that my history is filled with just as many positive successes and improvements as it is with negative actions and self-destruction. I began to shift my focus from regret and shame about my past to an energetic hope and curiosity for today and the future.

Why is this shift relevant to my self-discovery in isolation? Quite simply I had an “Aha!” moment wherein I realized that despite possessing no more than a general education diploma, and having no formal education I was able to work my way to a top-level information technology position, start and eventually sell a successful IT services corporation, become a respected marine plankton researcher, establish a high level of expertise in accounting, finance, business development, and even teach myself macro photography. I did all this by keeping an attitude of “I can” and a willingness to work as hard as possible as often as possible on what “I can” do.

Of course, I also managed to self-destruct and lose all the wonderful benefits of these things in a short amount of time. Worse yet, each time I would try and rebuild I would dwell on my regrets and the negative actions and consequences from the past enabling myself to continue an inescapable loop of self-degrading negativity. I spent years in this loop laying a foundation to rebuild and then destroying it just as it was almost ready to support whatever structure I so chose. The idea of “almost” turned into something of a religious action, a self-destructive ceremony to celebrate the doctrine that I am not worth the success. This entire frame of thought is absolutely garbage in its entirety; an ironic thought given that my dream job as a child was to be a garbage man and “take out the trash”.

The thought that one can look at any positive action during a time that appeared to be primarily negative or simply stagnant and turn that positive action into a marketable experience becomes incredibly transformative when practiced.

Cue the aha moment, maybe if I stop living in regret and find the next thing that I want to accomplish I can break this loop. I have always enjoyed cooking, what some people consider tedious such as the act of chopping vegetables and other prep work has always been a form of working meditation for me. I have through practice established the skill of technical writing, I journal daily for myself to get my thoughts and ideas on paper though I rarely go back and read them.

Perhaps I should pursue the areas of culinary arts and amateur journalism; the absolute worst case is that I am unable to enter either field and so long as I remain positive I can remedy that situation by finding yet another new endeavor. The thought that one can look at any positive action during a time that appeared to be primarily negative or simply stagnant and turn that positive action into a marketable experience becomes incredibly transformative when practiced.

So given these positive thoughts, and a path forward the second part of my “little plan” begins; the part where I have to put in the work.  Closing the YouTube video of whatever political stream I was watching and coming here to build this site and begin my work.  Learning journalism the hard won way that I learned everything else with, that of trial and error.  I hope that this first musing (I hesitate to call it an article) not only invokes some sort of positive thoughts for you, but also invites constructive criticism to help me “find my way” in this new version of myself.

Thank you,

~Joe