These last few days have been strange for me, I’m not exactly sure why but I’ve felt a touch emotionally “off”. I’ve been super emotional the last few weeks and for the last week and a half I’ve had an incredibly hard time sleeping. Today I slept in, way in! I slept snuggling my pooch most the day waking up a few times to go for our runs.
My history tells me that about this time the cravings and urges to shut my brain down with a splash (or a pool rather) of vodka would be the norm. It’s different today, I have no urges or cravings, no intentions, no want or need to jump off that cliff. This is a positive change for me and while I’ve been here before the trick now is to maintain this positive change. Despite how strange my emotions are right now I need to absolutely maintain myself in proper fashion.
So, what’s different this time?
What’s different? A lot is different! I’ve been taking a drug called Naltrexone and taking it religiously, Naltrexone works as an inhibitor blocking the receptors of the brain that are activated by opioids and such, basically a dopamine inhibitor that is used to reduce cravings of alcohol and other such things. My quitting smoking is another change (which the Naltrexone seems to be helping as well). I’ve been on this before but last time I could not seem to keep on it daily, this time another big change that of routine has helped me maintain my dosage without fail.
The most impacting (and important) change though has been Elsa! She’s been my light and my reason lately. Knowing that regardless of how I’m feeling or what is going on she needs to be fed has strengthened my routine, and knowing she needs to run has reinforced my health. She picks up on my emotions and responds without me ever saying a word, often from the other room no less. Watching her run and roll and play, her looking at me with the Border Collie gaze and those blue eyes it’s impossible not to melt. She’s my snuggle bear, my roommate, my pooches and while we have some things to work on behavior wise she’s picking up quick.
I only wish I had made these changes 10 years ago. Such is life, the world continues regardless of what is in my head. I can only pick up and keep moving, accept my faults and problems and try to repair what I have broken when I am capable. There are plenty of things I need to fix that I am not ready to tackle yet but so long as I stay as positive as possible, and take Elsa’s example to run forward I think I will be okay.
Let’s go another few miles tomorrow Elsa
Pooch is hiding again but I’ve a trick up my sleeve I’m hiding with her. So tonight we sleep under the bed
So pup has figured it out this is all hers!! No longer sleeping under the bed she’s become my snuggle buddy!! With the most amazing blue eyes and The calmest demeanor she’s perfect!!
I volunteer at the shelter and recommend shelter pups and cats there is always a risk. My Elsa had an abusive family constantly getting kicked and beat so she’s shy. She will never go through that again never ever!
My neighbors love her and I love her she’s a good pup this morning I will spend some time on heel and stay and of course spoil my girl. She’s coming out and a wonderful pooch and god those eyes she’s the most amazing eyes!!
A man needs a pooch!
Life is good this morning, I woke at my normal 4:30 body clock time refreshed and ready for a good day. Something was different though. Something good!
She heard me stir and came out front under the bed! Still shy and timid but there she was with her amazing blue eyes and velvet ears waiting to go out. I found a pooch after so much time. I know it’s going to take a few days for her to adjust and understand that she now owns the place she’s no longer in a kennel where she’s spent most of her life. She’s home, she’s where daily walks and hikes and cookies and cuddles are normal routine not just some thing a kid with a job needs to do.
My neighbors love her already, I can’t blame them she’s so sweet natured. Aside from a propensity to explore my kitchen trash can she’s shown no signs of the destructiveness in her notes. I purposely picked a pooch that needed work because it means I need to focus on something on someone.
She seems content so far to sleep under my bed, I suppose having been surrounded by crates all her life it gives a security. Last night I too slept under my bed lol felt great on the back and my pillow didn’t move much she did lick now and then.
I have a very late shift today and thus more time with pooch, yesterday we did a short walk along the trails today maybe a longer run I want to again off leash her but I might have to wait.
For now as I cook my breakfast with Elise at my leg I have no complaints!! In fact I’ve only felt this comfortable with my Akita my darling soja a man needs a pup.
A man needs a pup…..
So now I have purpose…
Elsa, I call her Elise as she responds well to the name, a border collie mix and god can she run!!! This poor pooches spent her entire life in shelters she’s a sweetheart but shy.
She thus far is most comfortable under my bed, I can now say I’ve napped under the bed I think she’s just used to the cages. I’m hopeful it will change soon it’s only been half a day and she’s already showing improvement. I can off leash her at the end of a run and she knows what door to go to.
It makes me think though, the last few months have been uncomfortable for me as I’ve been experiencing a lot of change. And this pup is as well, even if it’s for the best I’m finding change itself a tough deal.
We live in routine and modification scares us often. Today and next week I will accept the changes given and stand up to my challenges. After all I need to be a good example for my sweet Elsa.
When I was 6-9 years old I remember Christmas Eve as wonderful yet brutal. Oh the waiting….
In 3 and a half hours I meet and hopefully take home my next pooch. Mind you this will be interview 9 for the perfect fit thus far I’ve met some great pups but none fit. Is not fair to either pooch or myself to go whilly nilly. But “Abe” from what I can tell so far is perfect. I’ve been waiting all week for this meet and I’m excited.
I’ve everything ready…. food… treats…. a friend whose a local vet for shots and all I even cleared the boxes out so pooch would have room!! Fresh sheets on the bed and I took a couple of days off to be home and reduce his stress I’m counting minutes!
May the pooch fit into my strange world!!
Happy Wednesday everyone, today and tomorrow can’t seem to pass fast enough for me. Friday evening I go meet “Abe” a beautiful lab mix that with any luck will be coming home with me! A man needs a pooch plain and simple!
So this morning I was rummaging around the kitchen trying to figure out what to pack as a good energy snack for breaks at work. The kitchen is slightly bare til payday Friday in the realm of quick items so I’ve got to get creative. I noticed I had a bag of cashew pieces and a bag of almond slices in the freezer that I use for brownies and such so here’s what I came up with:
Sweet and Salty Nut Mix
I melted about a tablespoon and a half of unsalted butter, mixed this well with a cup and a half of cashew pieces and a cup of almond slices.
Added 1/4 cup of sugar, 2 tablespoons of salt, and 2 tablespoons of sugar mixing well as I added these.
Spread the nuts on a cookie sheet evenly and baked @ 350 for approximately 15 minutes (sorry I just eyed this step). Removed from oven and set aside to cool.
After it was cool I poured the whole thing loose sugar/salt and all into a ziplock bag and shook vigorously I ended up adding a little more cinnamon at this stage as I was tasting as I went.
And now I have a tasty snack that should give me a good protein/carb/fat profile and a quick energy boost throughout the day!
Now usually I thin slice a can of spam (fyi the bacon flavor or jalapeño flavor spam is awesome) spread the slices on a baking sheet, dust with whatever curry or rub I’m in the mood for and bake at 425 for around 10-12 minutes. This gives me Spam chips that I can bag up and snack on during my breaks. Unfortunately I’ve burned through my Spam stockpile over the last few weeks with my long shifts. Don’t judge till you’ve tried it!! (Most people that claim Spam is disgusting have never actually tried it). I can’t fight the Hawaiian in me I love the stuff.
I find myself unusually calm lately, things don’t seem to bother me so much anymore which is a good thing. I’m not exactly sure what all has changed but I do know that I have been eating much healthier the past two weeks.
A very dear friend brought me some venison the other month and I have been pulling it from the freezer as of late. The meat is very lean and takes seasoning with my various curries incredibly well. I have been cooking up the ground deer pork with various veggie mixes and divvying up the batches into Tupperware for lunches.
I start each morning with homemade hash browns and sometimes two eggs over medium. Later in the morning I usually do a bowl of pasta with red sauce and I do the same after returning home from work. I also always have a batch of rice to reheat as a quick snack. I’ve also been doing a lot of beans, this morning I actually did homemade refried beans from dried pintos I soaked overnight.
And while my kitchen is getting a little bare by my standards this week I have plenty of these healthy items to eat. I get paid Friday and have taken the time to work up a shopping list of healthy items and not a bunch of quick microwave garbage.
As I’ve been working a lot of hours I plan to treat myself this weekend with a junk food meal of pizza from fat boys pizza but aside from that I’m consciously choosing to continue eating healthy.
My body feels better, I’m starting to actually sleep better, and my thoughts don’t seem to run away as much. I’ve become more thoughtful and direct with my interactions around others.
Next steps? Go back into tech, slay this smoking dragon, and give a pooch a forever home with belly rubs and hikes and luvs.
Yesterday and tomorrow are days off (technically tomorrow isn’t off as I’m going in for a test). I’ve managed to do half my laundry, eat lots, and even get a nap in!! My next shift starts in about 4 hours providing they don’t call to beg I go in early.
In early, hmmmm Apparently I am good at what I do as I’m on the short list of the first people called for extra time. Even with two days off this week my schedule will give me 60 hours and that’s not taking account for the morning “can you come in now??” calls I receive every day.
While the job I am working is crap and I don’t expect to be there soon I still take pride in it.
Being able to play a cornerstone role has given me………..
Matter of fact I think the experience was needed!! Lately I’ve felt pretty useless being able to play a cornerstone role has given me some of my old drive back. I’ve also begun to learn patience and understanding with others. I never thought that such a simple and crap job would have much result.
Thank god I have other irons in the fire as surviving on this job alone would surely be a stress filled life. And yet people do it!! For whatever reason, I’ve met plenty that are well qualified and smart but just can’t seem to land the job for whatever reason.
I suppose it’s a blessing I know my reason?! Today I will do my shift and do the best I can and I will attempt to keep my thoughts of the past and future at bay, a simple sideline as to who I am presently.
Again take pride in all you do, the best legacy is that you always worked hard and took pride in that
I say tasty!!
One of my favorite staples to keep in the kitchen just happens to be fairly cheap and keeps for extended periods of time with little effort. I love the wonderful potato!! At around 80 cents a pound for big honkin Russets it makes a perfect staple!!
Quite often I’ll quarter one length wise to fit through my cuisinart (which I absolutely adore) and fry the resulting shreds in olive oil for fresh hash brown taters in less than 15 minutes!!
Tonight I sliced one up, seasoned with pepper, sea salt, and a tap of one of my favorite chile rubs (ghost and habanero blend) did a quick sear fry in olive oil and baked to a crisp. Home made potato chips!!! 20 minutes for the best chips I’ve ever had!!
Tomorrow I’ll mix some rosemary, sage, and dill in olive oil and brush a tater down to wrap in foil and bake. One of my favorites!!
So baked, fried, mashed, hashed, french fried, you name it!
Cherish the potato!