Depression and wasted time go hand in hand, I’ve lost a week and all without taking a drink.
So over the last week a lot has changed, inside and out. Just the last two days I’ve found myself struggling to force myself to do things, to get up and be a human. Last Wednesday I went to take an early afternoon nap and found myself living in my bed for days. I did not sleep much as I still have issues sleeping but I did not move. I moved just enough to use the restroom and eat now and then. All I did was lie in bed and consider how much I hated myself.
This obviously was not good, I could blame the overcast clouds or weather but honestly it was my own failure that wasted a week. I had things that I committed to that I failed to do, this ended up pushing me into a spiral hating myself for hating myself and failing. Examining this is difficult this evening but I need to avoid going through the same thing again. The bad news is that it happened, the good news is that through all of it I did not drink! I locked myself in my apartment and lived in my bed for a week, not good either way.
So yesterday morning I had enough, perhaps its because I had a full nights rest for the first time in months or maybe I was just done. I went to meet a friend of a friend for work and got a line on a hardwood installation job (I used to install gymnasium flooring) and I am today still patiently awaiting the business owner to return from the rodeo he performed at over the holiday weekend so I can nail some flooring! I planted seeds, some veggies for our complex out in the yard. I shredded potatoes for hash browns, swept, mopped, vacuumed, and cleaned.
Then I got a phone call from a friend, his gym was doing an exhibition for a no kill rescue (I forget the name exactly and am waiting for pics and info but I think it was DMK). I’ve spent years practicing eskrima and they wanted to know if I could do a quick 5-10 minute routine, I did a performance of a Sinawali “Heaven Six” which are the basic 6 movements in stick fighting. Then of course I entered the ring and proceeded to get my ass beat by a friend all in the name of getting pooches adopted.
The last time I was in a ring was probably 17 years ago, it was interesting and yes I spent today nursing wounds and sore. My pooch, a boxer named Charlie was adopted that evening! In fact there were 8 of us doing the exhibition each sponsoring a pooch and all 8 pooches were adopted as of this evening!! I’ve gotten used to deleting emails as most of it’s noise but today I got one that just made me smile. Three days ago I was a bedridden emotional mess, today I can say I’m actually somewhat happy. I’ll try and post our group photo as soon as I can get my hands on it, 8 roughnecks in sparring gear with 8 poochies of all sorts. (it was all I could do not to bring the blue heeler home).
Tonight I hope to sleep, and tomorrow morning a phone call to see if I can go nail some flooring. I miss the activity and the work but to walk into a massive room with a concrete floor one day and 3-4 days later to walk out of the same room with a wood floor is an amazing feeling. I’ve got a lot of calls to make and apologies to give out but I will live, and hopefully never find myself in the proverbial “pit of despair” again.
Adopt a shelter pet!!
~J
Reconstructing Myself 