An interesting view…

So bear with me I’m posting from my phone, I sit surrounded by boxes of clothing and paperwork and trinkets sorting through and throwing away and building massive give away piles.

Sometimes something hits me, remembering a past that seems now long ago or a person even a dog that I lost along the way.  What of this do I keep and what to let go?  How many more pictures can I hang before I run out of wall?

On the one hand shedding some of this is incredibly freeing but on the other I miss a lot of the past.  I will grapple with this most likely for the rest of my life but it’s nice to know I have a few things to reflect and remember over.

Years ago in October I had a mentor pass away in a boating accident, I came across the news clipping last night along with custom tee shirts a friend made with his picture and the word “hero”, I came across a tee shirt a dear friend gave me with nothing but a picture of a chair on it.  So many things I drag around and yes I suppose it’s time to let some go.

My precious Akita’s ashes still sit by my bedside the dog I worshipped (she was amazing) various cards from the love of my life and stuffed animals, etc from my K that I hold dear.  Pictures and even funeral programs it has been an adventure.

I have charechatures from 8 years old on to a more recent 25 ish (well not all that recent I guess).  Box stamps from a former employer, hats, pens and notepads, all manner of random shit that I think we all tend to drag around.

My question is such, do I desperately cling to these pasts or move on?  Do I do a combination of both?

I think that in the coming days I might actually finally spread my pups ashes and play guitar in honor of my lost mentor.  I would view these as the best way to honor both. And my beloved Soja pup will have a bag of haribo gummy bears to keep her company (she loved gummy bears).

I will sort my paperwork and keep that which is truly dear (I have a happy one month anniversary card still) and the rest who knows.

The interesting thought is that I have gone through much of my life absolutely blind to the blessings I have been given through those around me.  My family my K my pup and many friends and customers.  

I had a good run but I don’t think I’m ready to give up yet!

Miss sojas stone
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Remembering the Best Parts

Sometimes I find reminders of the good in my past

There was no internet, no “I” devices

Yesterday while I was cooking lunch I heard an awful loud and rumbling noise outside, I looked out the window to spot a street sweeper passing by. It has been more than 25 years since I have seen a street sweeper in a residential area and I had a little chuckle over that. I did how ever have a spat of disappointment when I noticed the sweeper was using nylon brushes. I remembered fondly as a child riding my bicycle or walking with friends or family collecting whatever “junk” I could find. The metal street sweeper blades were the top echelon of “junk” one could collect.

There was no internet, no “I” devices, just baseball, bicycles, fishing, club houses, and of course junk collecting and trading. We used to keep our junk in tackle boxes or coffee cans, whatever we could put it in! I would collect all manner of nails, bolts, pill bugs (roly-poly bugs), strange parts and pieces of whatever was strewn along the side of the road or in the fields. One had a sense of accomplishment when looking through all the fun “stuff” collected over time.

Realizing I was lost in this thought and my pasta sauce was about to burn I ran back to the kitchen and finished my lunch with a sense of calm serenity. I had a kind of solemn happiness thinking about how I had so many good moments as a child. Throughout my adult life and my battle with alcoholism in particular I have been conditioned to focus on the negative aspects of my past and present. The idea of working with past trauma, and accepting past mistakes is beneficial I understand however, I don’t really recall any situations in counseling or meetings where past positives were a focus.

There are a number of therapy methods centered around positivity such as focusing on daily gratitude and such but most therapy focused on the past (that I know of) seems to be centered solely on the negative. I’m not discrediting any of the methods by any means it is just something I’ve noticed. In any case I will say that gratitude is a good thing and I should probably start working on that more myself! Back to my original thoughts though!

The image that comes to mind is from 2001 A Space Odyssey; Dave removing the “memories” from HAL “Daisy Daisy….” It’s as if Dave is in my head moving the memories around!

In the short time between what I affectionately call “the clean street incident” and the time of this writing I have experienced numerous moments of happy reflection on good times of my childhood! This experience has been wonderful in helping me to continue my momentum of maintaining a positive attitude. I’ve found myself remembering moments long forgotten, almost as if some unseen force has changed the tape in my head. The image that comes to mind is from 2001 A Space Odyssey; Dave removing the “memories” from HAL “Daisy Daisy….” It’s as if Dave is in my head moving the memories around! Lucky for me his goal isn’t the same as it was with HAL, I don’t feel like he’s shutting me down. I think he might be trying to help me organize my storage space.

So for today I think I am going to relish in these good thoughts and maybe jot down some experiences as I remember them to reflect on in times of negativity. I wonder now how different my life would be if I had focused on the positive experiences rather than the negative long ago. Perhaps I should not even wonder this, what’s done is done! Today and tomorrow are what matter most, I should get my priorities straight!

Remember the best,

~Joe