The Elusion (Illusion?) of Sleep

So here I lie in bed after tossing and turning for the last few hours wondering if sleep will come at any decent amount tonight.  I’m sure it will and luckily I have no commitments tomorrow morning so I can attempt to sleep in.  The last two nights have been good to me in regards to more than 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep even though last night was a late one tossing and turning to actually get to sleep.  Looks like tonight might well be a repeat with me falling asleep in the early morning and waking up at my usual “sleep in” time of 7:30-8:30.

Typically my body clock wakes me up around 4:30 regardless of what time I fall asleep or what I have on my plate.  I have my routine:

  • Start coffee
  • Use Restroom
  • Smoke and enjoy the early morning air
  • Drink coffee and start breakfast (usually homemade hash browns, eggs, whatever)
  • Eat breakfast while checking email, job boards, whatever
  • Start day…..

That third one…. I need to avoid that third one now.  The good news is that it will get better I know this, the better news is I have a perfect view of the Rockies and Pikes Peak in particular from my kitchen window.  This is going to be my driver for no longer devastating my lungs in an attempt to sedate my nerves and satisfy whatever oral fixation I have.  I want to summit that fourteener this time next year and despite my love of hiking and outdoors I wouldn’t even attempt it in the piss poor shape I am in.

So despite my lack of sleep, and my low frustration tolerance (LFT is an interesting part of rational emotive behavioral therapy or REBT that I should probably revisit while I munch breakfast) I feel quite at peace right now.  Might be a real timely refresher to help me avoid the urge to asphyxiate my edginess with tobacco smoke.

A follower (and one of my favorite bloggers that I follow) DawnSeeker left a link for me in a comment on my last posting that was quite an amazing story about not just a noodle house but also human strength and I’ll be honest I had tears as I neared the end of it.  Maybe I’m just overly emotional lately well, okay I am but still it was quite an inspiring read and I think this lent a hand to my peaceful attitude.

I’ve been thinking about my recent online activities and habits lately and figure maybe I’ll plop some thoughts out in a post (more for me than you dear reader it helps me process, sorry) so away we go!

I used to spend a lot of time reading news, keeping tabs on several online forums and chats, and oh that Facebook thing… I never thought I would be pumping out random blog posts let alone following other bloggers as I do now.  While the blogs I read are small in number and honestly I don’t exactly have a massive amount of followers I find that the blogs I do read are relevant and thought provoking for me.  I rarely check the news and the only chat I do now is my support group which is also small (also by design) I no longer Facebook, and anything I do online is through my phone directly or using it as a hotspot.  I’ve no other connectivity here not even television.

Thinking about this right now makes me chuckle, in a world where everyone is incredibly connected here I am an ex IT specialist with no high speed cable modem tucked into the corner of his apartment.  I seek content based on quality and no longer immerse myself with information overload.  I cannot say that life is better or worse as a direct result as I’ve created plenty of my own problems that I am working to repair but I can say that at this moment I find myself thinking slightly clearer despite the lack of sleep.  I find that the things I do choose to read are much more inspiring and much less depressing and I’m glad for that.

So I think it’s time for some specific goal setting don’t you??  Ready for another list?

  • Get a page up with links to some of my favorite blogs
  • DONT SMOKE!
  • Keep working towards a more fitting career
  • DONT DRINK!
  • Continue eating healthy

Oh… and fall asleep soon, that’s a biggie!

And in case anybody is wondering Echo, the pooch I blogged about the other day…. was the featured dog on the Pikes Peak Humane Society website today and is no longer available for adoption.  Bittersweet for me as I really liked that pooch but I’m glad someone else did too and I hope she found a forever home that is good to her.

Sweet Dreams

~J

P.S. you can learn more about REBT at the Albert Ellis site and Smart Recovery and I’d love to share one of my favorite blog posts from Dawn about welcoming failure that I’ve read a few times (I should probably click like one of these days).

Some Thoughts on Healthy Living

And So I Decided to Quit Smoking….

I woke up this morning after getting what I consider to be a good nights sleep (more than 4 hours uninterrupted) and for the better part of this morning found myself in a severe funk.  Not so much angry but full of anxiety and maybe a touch of depression and a whoooole lot of that frustration thing.  It seemed like everything just frustrated me, for the first morning in a while I even slacked on making breakfast which is just not like me.

Granted, I have a lot to have anxiety about with the recent job applications / interviews and everything else going on with my life and add into that PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome) and I’m already a ball of stress.  So like an idiot a few days ago I decided to  quit smoking….. I’ve got lozenges (almost out) and a stack of patches (never really worked) along with tins of flavored toothpicks (probably going to be crapping splinters for a while) but the edge still comes and goes.  What the hell was I thinking?

I’ve got a good support system in place but it’s still difficult and so now I suppose I’ll rant about it.  Just after noonish I decided to indulge in one of my favorite dishes to eat as well as cook (and don’t laugh, it’s a big deal) a big bowl of Ramen (Or in the Hawaiian culture “Saimen”).  Just the time it took me to prepare it, my focus on chopping the vegetables, frying the perfect egg, simmering the pork to make the perfect broth, mixing my own seasoning blend, and putting it all together made me feel better.

Eating it in traditional style (quickly, slurping as to cool the noodles and unlock the broth flavor) gave me a sense of calm and happiness that I have been missing the last few days.  Now some might think “healthy living is in the title, isn’t Ramen horrible for you?” NO!  If done right it’s a very nutritious dish not to mention a very fulfilling one to explore.  A quick google search on traditional Ramen houses will yield a very interesting culture and a whole new world built around this wonderful part of my life.

Unfortunately throughout the rest of the day I lapsed in and out of the anxiety over and over, at the beginning of this post I was feeling it with a heavy edge to my demeanor overall.  By the time of this paragraph I am finding myself a touch less on edge and feeling better overall.  I know the nicotine and the overall habit will pass with time and I just need to hang in there.  I know my health will only get better and I will be able to extend my hiking enjoyment by sacrificing my smoking habit.  And then there’s that whole money thing, I sat down on day one and started calculating the cost of my smoking over a years time ($2445.00 a year on average).

Just uhm, wow!  So $203 a month on the low side that’s insanity considering all it does is appease a self imposed edginess from starting up in the first place.  So, wish me luck and I hope I can keep this up!  I’ll keep everyone updated!

~J