Banging my head, sometimes I’m not smart.

So, many of my followers will pretty much know the reasons for my lack of posting recently.  I don’t think I need to really even tell them as even the most basic educated guess is probably enough.  For the rest of my followers that do not know me as well I’ll simply announce that I had a relapse.

I’ve battled alcoholism for far too long now and it’s incredible destructive nature has taken everything from me with the exception of my own life.  The fact that I am still breathing and walking is a miracle itself and for that I am grateful most days.  My father died at a young age of 58 from this evil and I need to continuously remind myself of this fact.  This thing is quite possibly the most destructive force I will ever encounter within my lifespan.  It takes everything away, money, time, family, friends, career…. The list goes on.

So the common questions that I am asked “what triggered you” and “why?” cannot really be answered so easily.  I cannot tell you what “triggered” me or made me think it was a good idea to take a drink, I can only tell you that it happened.  And then the lost time begins…. The inability to function during a drinking run equates to plenty of lost time alone but I don’t drink like normal people do.  The only thing that stops a day of drinking is finally passing out, I drink in massive amounts often more than a handle of vodka can be consumed in a single day which can absolutely not be considered normal.  Add to that the lost time during detox as I am fairly incapacitated for days of projectile vomiting, vigorous shaking, serious muscle cramps, sweats, and insomnia.  Absolute misery for a week or more, and yet when the next relapse hits for some reason the misery that follows is forgotten for some reason.

The anxiety, depression, and frustration with myself that follows sometimes feels unbearable and I don’t understand why it happens over and over again.  The sad part is that there in fact are a massive number of tools to deal with alcoholism it is only a matter of choosing and using them.  I’ve gone through good long phases of using the tools and maintaining sobriety with a good variety of these tools the secret was that I used them on a consistent basis.  The self realization that I picked up a drink because I got lazy and unregimented adds to the depression during a “post relapse” period.

So today I really have little choice but to try again and focus on my tools and regiment to avoid once again banging my head.  So again after a good week and a few days it’s another morning to get up and try to be a regular person for another day.

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