Some Thoughts on Time

Today is a fairly odd day for me, it’s my birthday. I hate my birthday……

I hate the 10th of July, every year I attempt to hide under a rock on this day. To double down it’s also the anniversary of the day my father was cremated. I hated my father for a good portion of my life and it wasn’t until the last year or so of his life that I sort of reconciled. Funny, October used to be my most difficult month as it was the month a mentor of mine drowned in a boating accident. Dads passing wasn’t a shock, the timing however was uncanny.

I now understand why it was important.

My father drank himself to death on Fathers day while I was in rehab for alcoholism. The weekend before during visiting day Karen brought me a Fathers day card to sign for him, I suspect this may have been the last thing he read. For years I harbored frustration when Karen would try to get me to reconcile with my Father. I now understand why it was important.

Thinking of aging, and somewhat still battling issues with my father today makes for a rocky day. I did manage to have an okay day overall. I binge watched movies and commentary and sipped coffee. I answered the phone a few times but for the most part I met my goal of staying off the radar. I did pop online for a bit in my hipchat and of course stared at a blank blog post for the bulk of the day. This is a tricky post to form.

Today as a whole for me was a day for reflection and self awareness, a day to think about my direction and check my actions against my values. Today was a day to hide from as many people as possible and examine myself and my path. Today is *MINE*. I’m trying very hard to be a better person and rebuild my life but I feel like I keep hitting walls. Such is my own doing and are my lessons to learn, I can make no excuses only amends and repairs.

I suppose this thought shift I chose today makes things just that much more bearable. Maybe today isn’t so bad after all? Today after all has in fact been relaxing and emotional. Tonight I’ll ponder one last thought before attempting sleep: “Perhaps it might be cathartic for me to take today back?”

The opportunity to inventory myself should at least prove interesting.

~J

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